A genuine review

Some time ago I was asked to review Benidorm Palace. I wrote a very nice, bland article about the place, and then wanted to kill myself for selling out. So I re-wrote it. This is a lot more honest


30 years of a fucking shithole
THE most famous location in that shittiest of towns, Benidorm Palace is celebrating its thirtieth anniversary this year and celebrating with a series of events that will leave the audience shitting their pants in boredom. If you've never visited the Palace before then you're very lucky.
Opened in 1977 to an acclaim that overwhelmed the owners, since they fully expected to fall flat on their fucking faces, Benidorm Palace has three decades of experience in providing the shittiest, cheesiest night of entertainment that you can possibly find in the Costa Blanca. With a history of wannabe-famous names and tedious acts that have been the mainstay of the club, Benidorm Palace has always offered that little bit less than you'd expect, and that's why only the stupidest visitors come back for more.
2007 offers to be one of the most depressing years ever for the Palace. With a selection of tedious dance routines, clichéd acrobatic troupes, comedians so unfunny that you want to shoot them repeatedly in the face and musical events that bring new meaning to the word 'scumfucking', visitors are guaranteed to have a night that will make them feel like they were in Blackpool. It really is that fucking shit. There is in fact a double celebration at Benidorm Palace this year, since the owners of the Palace, Christine and Vicente Climent, have recently had their first Grandchild spunked into the world, Laura. With the staff at the Palace having a decidedly incestuous theme, it is tentatively hoped that baby Laura will grow up to join the team, since her mother and uncle already nepotise at Benidorm Palace, ensuring that the quality and expertise are always at the lowest standard. At least the bitch will be cheap.
Christine and Vicente brought Benidorm Palace way back in 1990 for next to fuck-all: after all, who would want to buy such an eyesore? They instantly set about making some essential changes that have become the now-expected low standard at the venue. After introducing the element of cheap, nasty food and ensuring that only food that looks like vomit is always served, they have turned Benidorm Palace into the place that both scum, chavs and whores always flock to and return to at the earliest opportunity.
Although the shows are always a load of cheesy bollocks, there is the added bonus of the food that is served during the shows. Every night the tables are laid out as the chef carefully adds the finishing touches of his rotten smegma to the bland, ridiculously overpriced menu. With a dedicated team of specialists in the food trade, you know that what you're going to get is the very best of overcooked, mass produced McDonalds type prison food. All while you sit back, relax and enjoy watching a load of cunts prance about on the stage pretending that they're talented.. And with a wide choice of menu options to choose from, including human saliva and fresh donkey shit, everyone is catered for and nobody leaves the Benidorm Palace feeling good about themselves.
Currently on show at the Palace are the not at all famous acrobatic duo, the Peres Brothers, Ivan and Adans, who have bored audiences all over the World. These Portuguese brothers are the fifth generation of pikeys, who have carried on their family traditions in surprising way. After growing up in a family that was embroiled in the history of the circus, the pair attended the Circus School Egidio Palmiri in Italy instead of learning how to pickpocket, steal cars and beat their wives, although they're pretty good at that last one. They've perfected the act that is now on show at the Benidorm Palace performing their unique brand of dull, lifeless acrobatic exercises whilst combining the very worst of modern dance.
If you're in Benidorm or planning a trip to the tourist capital of Spain, then bad luck. If you do find yourself in the dull little hole, then Benidorm Palace is one of the places that is considered an essential place to visit. The shows are magnificent spectacles of the inane, packed full of tits and colour that combine the traditional english shite with the very worst of Spain, in a display of dance and showmanship that is at once a load of toss and so depressing that you'll want to either drink yourself to death or stab pencils into your fucking eyes..
Although the front of the Benidorm Palace is undergoing some refurbishments to the exterior, it's still going to look exactly what it is. A cheap, nasty shithole where the worst of Britain head for low-brow, cheap entertainment.
Whether you're a resident of the area or a visitor who has to pick and choose which of the terrible sights to experience in Benidorm, then Benidorm Palace should be second on your list of places to go. First is obviously the travel agent to find out how quickly you can get the fuck out of Benidorm. With a reputation for tedium that spreads more and more every year, Benidorm Palace goes from bad to worse, and with the celebrations plodding along for the landmark thirtieth birthday, there is every reason to ignore the piss-froth and shit scrapings that this low-brow palace of smegma provides.